Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
