I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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