I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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