im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I look better un-naked...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
