According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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