My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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