New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Randomize
