i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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