The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
