So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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