Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
