I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
whose parrot is this?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
