There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
