My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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