I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
