mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
