maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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