she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
