She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
