make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
