what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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