So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
