On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
