At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
