Your face is a jimmy john
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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