I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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