My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This toilet bowl is my home.
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