i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
