i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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