Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
