I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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