if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
