I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
