Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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