Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
