Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
