I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
