he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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