I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
