I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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