I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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