I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
