it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
