what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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