she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
