It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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