Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
