AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
birth control should be required to get into college
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My dad just said "fuck circus"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
