I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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