your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
