my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
