you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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