i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
