Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Don't make out with my wife yet
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
