I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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