I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
