Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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