It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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