Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
